I have written and had published a trilogy of romantic novels under a female pen name. David’s team. What’s the female pen name, Barry? Mary Windsor. – Mary Windsor.
– Oh, Mary Windsor.
– Yeah. And at what stage in your career was this? Early. LAUGHTER I’d written… Done one book of anecdotes and the publisher said that they fancied doing a sort of sub-Barbara Cartland, you know? A sort of… One of those. Were the anecdotes romantic in your book? No, no. I don’t know why they chose me, but I went for it and I got away with three of them, which didn’t sell, obviously. Nobody’s heard of them. Were they linked, by the way? Was it a trilogy or was it the same story? There were three separate stories. Great, so, that’s all three plots, please, off the cuff. LAUGHTER Let’s go for book number one. Book number one was a shameless rip-off of Lady Chatterley’s Lover. It was about a guy who worked on the estate and the lady of the manor. It was just blatant. – And what was it called, Barry? What was the title?
– My Land. It was a quotation from the lady of the manor who said it at a crucial point in the plot. Oh, how crucial? On their first falling out, they become lovers and then, it became very tense and then, she became very autocratic with him and it was a very moving moment, if I say so myself. LAUGHTER – And book two?
– Book two was set in Spain and a bullfighter is involved. – Oh, right.
– But same plot, I’m not kidding you. LAUGHTER Was book two called My Bull? No, no. I’m ashamed to say it was called Hasta La Vista. LAUGHTER I wish you wouldn’t go on about this, I’m not proud of them. I think I want to read them. And book three? – One Year, it was called.
– One Year.
– One Year. You didn’t go overboard on the titles, did you? No, simple, self-explanatory titles. What was the plot of book three? The plot of book three was on board a liner. – On board a liner?
– My Liner! This posh, frustrated woman went on a liner and met this steward. LAUGHTER Why did they stop this? This is gold! Which one, now that you look back, Barry, – with the wisdom that you’ve accrued over the years…
– Yes. Which one are you proudest of? The third one because I was starting to get the hang of it. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE The publishers disagreed. They thought you were losing what hang of it you’d ever had. – What are you thinking, David’s team?
– What do you think, Lorraine?
– Och, no. I just don’t see Barry having the time to do it and if… I could write those drunk in the morning. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE We think it’s a lie, don’t we? Yeah, yeah. You sure? Think it’s a lie. Barry Cryer, truth or lie? Dramatic pause. Music is heard in the background. It was… ..a lie. APPLAUSE It’s a lie. Barry hasn’t written a trilogy of romantic novels under a female pen name. I love romantic fiction. The new Jilly Cooper book features a highly-sexed woman who makes love in the strangest places. It’s on the shelves Monday, hanging from a chandelier Tuesday, on top of the wardrobe Wednesday.