Hello spicy people of the internet! My name is Spice 8 Rack aka. cannon in the sheets, the streets fan pick in the sheets and welcome to the Audiobook Speedrun of the only Magic: the Gathering novel that came out this year, the Wildered Quest. Also, this video is sponsored by ChannelFireball.com and is made possible thanks to the support from my lovely patrons. Alright, let’s get into it with chapter one! We’re on Eldrain and Oko is currently rope-bunnying Garruk up. The big G is still coming down with the curse of the veil and Oko is fully aware that bear beats twink, So he mind controls Garruk into being his dog and calling him master. I’m not saying Oko is into pet-play. Kate Elliott is saying Oko is into pet play. Chapter 2 Rowan is hanging out on a pony, waiting to leave Castle Ardenvale with her dad king Kenrith’s Royal Caravan, which is going touring with their sick new country album: “The Aristocracy is Alright” Her best friend Cerise shows up who Rowan viciously negs by saying she is as beautiful as the unicorn she rides on. Unicorns famously being horses with mutant horns. Rowan’s twin brother Will is nowhere to be seen so she runs off and finds him in a courtyard absolutely, tripping out and staring into an iced over birdbath which is showing him horrifying imagery. Like dragon skulls. Ravens. And the critical reception of the War of the Spark: Forsaken novel. By the time they get back to their ponies, everybody’s left without them and their mum, Queen Linden, shows up and drags the twins back to their castle to talk about how the Five Virtues of Eldraine don’t include being late for caravans. Will says some vaguely racist things about how all elves are proud, arrogant, vain, and cruel and, as if on cue, Linden is called a way to go kill some goblins. the twins then take this opportunity to sneak out of the back of their castle to go and catch up with their cooler dad. Will immediately regrets the decision to leave Ardenvale when they stumble across the farmhouse map from Killing Floor but he steals himself with some additional racism, this time aimed at the goblins who he suspects are behind the literal fields of blood he and Rowan have stumbled upon. They sneak into a forest and bump into a small clan of goblins. Threatened by the sudden intrusion of two armed humans into their woodland the red caps attacked the twins and are slaughtered in response. Before Rowan and Will can hide the evidence of their murders they are spooked deeper into the woods by a large, mysterious, Garrick shaped shadow coming up behind them. Will and Rowan run away from the community of goblins just seeking justice for their slain brethren and get cornered on a cliff. Just then Garruk comes into the picture looking like a big old 2/2 for 2 and the twins combine their ice and lightning magic- ICELING
[Sick Gituar Lick] -and shoot at him. But, unfortunately, Garruk’s stank is just too dense and both the Huntsman and the goblins advance on the scions. All of a sudden Oko shows up and tells Garruk to not kill the kids but to kill the goblins instead because they quote-unquote smell and… like bro. You are hanging out with Garrick. The cursed anarcho-primitivist. Deoderant hasn’t been invented yet and even if it was he’d reject it for being a product of society. How does Eud De Goblin not smell like Venetian perfume in comparison? Anyway Garruk eliminates this small Society of sentient creatures whilst Oko looks over these teenagers with “An inquisitive gaze that made Rowan flush self-consciously” Sir? SIR!
[Police Sirens.] They all saunter away from their crime scene because the children of powerful people seldom answer for their misdeeds and Rowan tries to have a conversation with Oko where she keeps mistaking him for an elf and also says that she wishes she was black like her mum and siblings so that she didn’t blush… which… Are a series of opinions… That I can’t stop this fantasy character from having. The group reaches a settlement where the King’s Caravan is due to arrive. Oko makes Garruk wait in the woods so as to not kill everybody in town with his musk and Rowan runs her mouth about how the elves of Locthwain all hold grudges by their nature,- Jesus lady. Can you cool it with the elf stuff for, like, one chapter? Oko finally has enough and disappears into the crowd that’s gathered to greet the king who then arrives with a quote-unquote, modest golden crown and Will thinks about how much everybody loves the King because he connected copper to their trade network two turns ago. But not everybody on Eldraine love the king as Will considers how the wilds hate him because he keeps, quote, “expanding the orderly peace of the realm”. And if you think that sounds like internalised colonialist apologia, it’s actually fine because it was the Questing Beast who granted King Kenrith his absolute authority as high king of Eldraine and as we all know the singular opinion of a magic snake horse in the woods is a good and safe method for centralising political and military power. Rowan and Will slip into the parade and spend the following night both flirting with titus the redhead and Cer… “Cerise”? GOD how do you say this woman’s name? And Cerise the Unicorn Lady and, yeah, they flirt with both of them because sometimes characters don’t have to be explicitly categorised as straight in a weird internal monologue which reassures the reader about how they only like hunky men, GREG. King Kenrith shows up with his mate Cado and talks about how much he wants a venison pie before peacing out just before Cado shows up again and is all like “Where’s the king?” and then Rowan’s like “You were just with the king!” And then Cado’s like “Nuh Uh.” and then Will’s like “Wait! When we just saw you, you didn’t have a scar on your right eye which you’d think would be something we’d notice right off the bat but, for some reason, is only just occurring to us now.” And then someone in the wood screams and Cado’s like “Zoinks Scoob I think my imposter just did a regicide!” Three months later and Will is bummed out that his dad is presumably dead but gets his spirits lifted when his younger sister, Hazel, shows him that she’s killed a faerie in the upstairs room- What is wrong with this family? [Horrible Splat Sound] “Fairy lives don’t matter today.” Will over here some people casually discussing regicide against Queen Linden next door and rushes off to find Rowan. He finds both her and the Queen in the stable and Linden lets the twins go on a quest to find their dad Along with their best friends; Cado, Titus and Cerise. The fellowship leaves Minas Tirith to deal with its surmounting Republican sentiment and the two ice dragons who are just kind of besieging it in the background Don’t worry about them. They ain’t no biggie. They’re on their way to Castle Vantress to ask the magic mirror if it knows where Bill Bailey is when they get ganked by Axe from Dota 2 and bump into a Vantress Loremage. She says that both Rowan and Will have some kind of dormant witch hex, That crushed Unicorn horn is Eldraine’s viagra and Queen Ayara has dual loyalties because she’s an elf. Eventually, the group gets on a ferry to enter Vantress and the Loremage from earlier tries to explain how you’d go about having sex with a merfolk but doesn’t manage to finish before they arrive at the castle Where Will unlocks the bonus magic mirror secret room when he talks to a puddle and says that he saw seven Magpies earlier and now has a secret never to be told. After Will shows the mirror his arthouse birdbath ice montage, the twins are told to find the stag to find your father. Weeks pass and Rowan, Will, Cado, Titus, Cerise and Elowen (the horny loremage) reached the outskirts of Castle Garenbrig where they are accosted by the bear riding, hammer-wielding: Bragi… Not Syr Faren. Just Bragi, who is annoyed because Castle Locthwain is hovering above Garenbrig like a Star Destroyer and blocking out the Sun and… that- that’s the,- that’s it, that’s the conflict of the chapter. Moving on. “Chapter, the one AFTER 8” As the gang ride towards the Great Henge, they engage in their favourite pastime of Verbal Elf Bashing, and their second favourite pastime of Elowen being Horny on Main and talking about how Cado wanted to bang Linden. Anywho, they all meet Yorvo who immediately begins talking about carnivorous frogs because he may or may not be a crazy person. Will and Rowan steer the conversation towards the whole Stag thing and Yorvo agrees to help the twins but not before they all have a big feast which is attended by Queen Ayara who makes Will’s skin crawl. Come on, Will. Oh, I really hope you and your sister never make it to Zendikar That’s numberwang. Yorvo opens a portal to the wilds and tells the group that they have until dusk to find the stag Otherwise they’ll be trapped there for a year and a day. They all jump through and enter The Wilds Where they are instantaneously attacked by a drake in the zombie, Titus gets killed by a specter, and Elowen cremates his body in front of everybody else as a sign of dominance. Classic first day of camping. Everybody is understandably a bit emotional when the stag they’re looking for shows up for about five seconds before getting lured deeper into the wilds with a sexy wolf whistle. Chapter One One. To chase the stag all of the still alive people need to cross one of two bridges that lead over a river, one tells the truth, the other tells lies. They pick the obviously evil bridge made out of literal obsidian, but that turns out to be the right choice because fu- -and then they find the stag on the other side, chilling on a grassy tuffet. Unfortunately, Garruk is spawn-camping the stag and both Rowan and Will got their memory wiped back at the end of chapter 5 so they have no idea who this big, stinky man is. Both Garruk and the stag gets whistled back into the forest ruins that lie on the other side of the bridge. Everybody races after them and, within five seconds, they all lose each other in the trees. The twins stick together and come across the dragon’s skull that was in Will’s ice-prophecy and they climb inside. Inside the Dragon there’s a Twitch debate happening between the wild elves and Queen Ayara. One side is arguing that, now that a mysterious stranger has informed them that he has stolen the High King, the elves should attack the realm and assert their right to live in the lands that had been taken from them by the humans. And the other side argues that the wild elves should be happy with how things are because Queen Ayara visits once a year to kill some animals. Before the pro-reparations side can point out that the Queen didn’t actually make an argument for why they shouldn’t have their lands back, or before the twins can say anything elfist, Rowan spots Oko sitting on a toadstool a few metres away. Upon saying his name their memories come back and they ask him if he too is seeking the High King. Because, despite evidently having cast some kind of recollection erosion spell on them and despite the fact that he is currently HOLDING A HUMAN SKULL he is apparently beyond suspicion. Cado and Elowen show up an Oko makes a bunch of food for everybody. [Grunting] UGH, finally, some good f*ckin’ Ludonarrative. Elowen declines his forest snacks and “Ugo”… [Laughter] “Ugo” [More laughter] [Vaguely Slavic Accent] Hello, my name is Ugo, I am the Thief of Crons. Elowen declines his forest snacks and Oko turns her into an eagle which, arguably, is a bit of an overreaction. Garruk turns up with the stag and Cerise who is tied to her unicorn. [DRAMATIC MUSIC]
And side by side it’s impossible to tell them apart. What are you going to do? You have to destroy one of them Mr. President! Oko takes the stag, throws everybody else into a vine cage and Rowan comes to the sudden and awful realization that: “Hey, Oko might be evil…” “Also, that stag is my dad.” Chapter Twelveee… Oh, I was supposed to do a funny thing and then remembered… Oh fuck it: chapter 12 Will rolls to persuade Garruk to free them from their vine cage, and Cerise is like “Yo, there’s a rock in this man. Ima take it out!” And so Cerise removes the hedron that Jace put in Garruk to limit the effects of the curse of the chain veil… and Garruk goes absolutely bananas. He kills a horse. He kills Cado’s Griffin. He RKO’s Cato himself, breaking his shoulder and his leg. He panics and says he’s really super-sorry, and then Kool-Aid Mans his way out of the vine cage. Chapter The One Where Cerise Looks Around at the Death and Pain Her Actions have Caused and Realises She Misread that Completely. Cerise looks around at the death and pain her actions have caused and says “I misread that completely” before Rowan and Will abandon her and Cado to go and find their deer dad. On their way, they bump into the elf’s big midwinter hunt and, after they’ve stampeded off, Oko pops up and says he’s planned it so that the hunters will chase down and kill the King Kenrith deer. The twins respond by firing some Ice Lightning- [RADICAL GUITAR RIFF]
ICELING!! at him, but they miss. So they fire again, and they miss, and they fire, and they miss, and then they pass out on the floor. And then they wake up, and then they f- [Strained Robot Voice]
“CHAPTER FOURT-” [COUGH] Oh, God that really hurt… oh, I’ve just recovered from an illness. I shouldn’t have done that, that was very silly. Oko disappears and the twins run off to follow the hunt. They find Garruk relaxing in the shallows of the river from earlier when a massive serpent turns up and tries to eat him before his curse-ooze gets into the water table and causes a magical version of Chernobyl. Rowan and Will fight the beast off of Garruk but he gets pulled into the water by merfolk intent on obliterating the aquatic ecosystem of the Wilds and Will jumps in to save him. However, Garrukk is a Hunky Chunky boy and Will almost drowns trying to get him out, so he cryogenically freezes the Wild Speaker and throws him into this convenient Cauldron shaped Cauldron that’s hanging out just below the surface of the river. Everybody including me passes out and, by the time we all woke up Will was on the river’s bank with Garruk who is now 100% curse free, and 50% less stinky. Chapter 15. I’m not doing any more silly ones, the last one legitimately hurt my throat. A bunch of rats and top hats begin to eat the corpse of the river serpent with knives and forks because even tonal consistency can’t survive for long in the wilds and Garruk, Rowan and Will run off to find the midwinter hunt and save their father. They catch up to the elves and find their stag dad surrounded in a clearing by an evil well. The twins beg for the elves to not shoot their dad but the elves say that they have to kill something or their entire world will die and then Queen Linden shows up on a Griffin and threatens the elves with deforestation if they kill their kids or the stag. Understandably irked by this intrusion and also, you know, the whole generations of persecution thing, one of the elves tries to shoot the stag and so Rowan shoots her and then everything just goes to piss in a kettle. Rowan and Will use their Ice Lightning [KICKASS SHRED]
ICELING!!! To stun everybody in the battle, but Queen Ayara wore her entirely rubber hunting getup today, and so takes this opportunity to shoot Stag Dad. Rowan demands Ayara’s execution but, when Garak tries to kill her, she turns into a raven and then a Drake and- Oh shit, Queen Ayara was Oko this whole time! He tries to flap away but, for once, green’s hatred of flying creatures actually pulls through and Garruk Tombstones Oko into the dirt. Now captured, Oko does the whole “We’re not so different, you and I” thing before planeswalking away. War is averted when the elves and humans effectively agree that they’ll always kind of be enemies and there’s nothing they can or should do about it. And then everybody drinks the stag dad’s lifeblood as he dies from Oko’s arrow and turns back into a human. Queen Linden then reveals to Rowan and Will that their birth mother was a witch from the wilds who spiked their dad with a love potion and that their witch mother had actually killed them when they were babies to achieve immortality. But Linden had found their bodies and channelled the life force in her sword, (Which the questing beast had given her because the only way to become High King is to die and come back) and so Linden sacrificed her chance to become High King to save Rowan and Will as kids and then use true love’s kiss to break the spell on King Kenrith. But the witches ghost still haunts the well they’re hanging out by, so Linden gets Elowen, who is back and no longer an eagle, to set fire to the well finally killing Rowan and Will’s witch mum… [Breath] Then the Questing Beast shows up and just brings King Kenrith back to life and Will immediately yells at his dad for not rationing out the witch mum exposition dump over the course of several years as opposed to having it all popped on them now and, like, guy I get that you’re upset I am too, but your dad literally has just been bought back from the dead. Could you maybe given five minutes? In fact, the twins are so mugged off with their parents that their planeswalkers spark ignite and they disappear from the realm altogether. The multiversal equivalent of shouting “I hate to you” at your mum because she wouldn’t let you eat Coco Pops for dinner, before slamming your bedroom door really hard. Chapter, the Last One. Garruk awkwardly watches as Linden and King Kenrith have a decidedly spooked parent moment because, you know, their children did just evaporate. But he promises to the parents that he will look after the kids before planeswalking away. The rest of the humans get on their griffins and fly back to Castle Ardenvale… And none of them bother to go looking for either Cado or Cerise who are still critically injured and trapped in the wilds and will now be so until the Great Henge is realigned in one year’s time. Because it doesn’t matter what fantasy realm you live in the monarchy are and have always been unempathetic parasites. Well if you’re listening to me right now You are a statistical anomaly and if you’d like to join the lovely exclusive hosts of names that you can currently see on your screen Why not head over to patreon.com/spice8rack and consider supporting the channel! Thank you so much and, as always stay spicy.