P: Hey guys!
D: Hello there. P: So I’ve totally remodeled my bedroom so it’d look like a tour bus!
D: Wow- oh my gosh D: look at Phil DIY! Go you. P: We are still on this tour right now in P: *AMERICA*
D: Yes! D: We’re not just on this bus for fun P: No. So if you wanna come see us (on a stage, not on the bus) P: You can come to all of these places! D: Just go to danandphiltour.com.
P: Yeah D: The final tickets are out, ain’t gonna be no more shows added. D: If you wanna come see us in real life, THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE. P: It’s your last chance! P: But, special news is, that anyone who buys a ticket, or anyone who has bought a ticket P: is gonna be entered into a draw to win a meet and greet with us two! If you want that D: So, there you go, if you wanna come see us in real life D: tickets start at $15, danandphiltour.com, see you in real life, or not. Bye. P: Yes.
D: Oh wait, we’ve got a whole video P: This is a video.
D: Okay. Right. D: So, what the hell are we doing today, Phil? P: So, I was looking for something that I texted to Dan, like a year ago. D: ‘Cause that’s how we send each other files. Yeah, we text them to each other.
P: Yeah, we do D: We also text each other when we’re sitting on the same couch. Like right now
P: We do D: We talk, we’d be like “uhnhhgh canyoupassmydrink”
P: MEHHHH P: So, I scrolled all the way back to when Dan first ever got his new phone,
D: Mother of god P: And I realized we text each other the weirdest stuff
D: We have some strange conversations D: But we probably know what you’re thinking…
P: So, I thought I could share some with you guys, and you can read some of our text messages. D: So I hope you’re ready, because this is *literally* what Dan and Phil text each other. P: So in these conversations. I’m the blue, and Dan is the grey. D: Oh my god that’s so appropriate
P: I know! D: In the beginning, so I got this new phone and I was well excited.
P: *announcer voice* In the beginning. D: Cuz remember when they announced the iPhone- *X*?
P: the iPhone- *X* D: They were like, there’s this new thing that’s gonna change the world! Animoji.
P: Yeah P: So Dan sent me his first-
Both: -and only D: (one, ever)
P: Animoji. D (dog face): Hello, Phil! This is Dan, as a dog, with his new phone. Woof woof!
D (actual Dan, laughing): yup. P: wow P: That’s all you did!
D: There ya go. Masterpiece. Wow. P: Directly under that I just say “Coop!” And you say
D: “Doop.” P (laughing): wh- what does that mean D: And that ‘s the end of the conversation. Who knows
P: I think that was just you testing if your phone works. D: Was that, or was that secret code for something very important at the time.
P: No one will ever know. D: even we won’t ever know P: Oh my God, this one!
D: Oh God! D: Are you sure you wanna share this?
P: Wow. I can share this.
D: This is like Phil’s lowest moment. Okay, if you say so. P: *reads blue texts*
D: *reads grey texts* P: I still have those glasses. I washed them! I washed them. (:
D: I’d be like- no thanks. D: Oh god
P: This is us deciding what we should call a gaming video. D: It was a Crash Bandicoot video where we were riding on a warthog and a polar bear, ok? D: And we were deciding what to call the video where we ride on animals. P: I went on to YouTube and Dan had called it “Dan and Phil’s Bareback Adventure”
*womp sound effect* D (all innocent acting): That is what you call riding when there’s no saddle! P: Which…it is!
D (still innocent): It was Crash Bandicoot riding bareback on a polar bear cub. P: But, we thought we’d want monitization. P: So these were the options. We could have gone with “Dan and Phil’s Furry Fiesta”. That wound have been better!
D: Ooh! I’m not sure about that one either.. D: We went with “Furry Throwdown” and, let’s be honest, that’s not that much better than bareback adventure. D: I’m so sorry that we just read that out loud to be honest. P: Disclaimer: Most of these texts are about food.
D: Yeah. I dunno like if you had expectations here. P: No – Both: It’s mostly food.
D: okay. D: Oh my god. I remember this vividly.
P: What P: Is this bringing back feelings of sickness?
D: I mean, I was trying to be funny but like honestly this was a very traumatizing evening for me *reading the texts aloud* D: (meant “my god”)
P: *MORE* of god *continues reading texts aloud* D: Ok, so I ordered some pasta cause when Phil is not home, I like to go all in on the cheese because he’s lactose intolerant.
P: Yeah. Yep. D: I ate a lot of cheese.
P: A lot of cheese. P: We have a noise for that, it’s like when there’s a beached whale and they just go *beached whale sound* D: And then sometimes like when we’ve just had like a massive takeaway, we just lie on different couches and just go *beached whale sounds* D: Pregnant.
P: Pregnant whales. *reading texts* P: Try and decode what I meant by that.
D: Explain that.
*dramatic sound* P: I was watching “Shape of the Water”. Or shape..”Shape of Water”.
D: Well obviously, you freaking perverts. *reading texts* P: LOL. I still love it when you do typos. D: I just dot dot, like, I’m not even gonna, like, whatever. Whatever! D: The other thing we text each other about a lot is the TV shows that we’re watching. We were watching The Crown, and I was an episode ahead of Phil. P: Yes. D: So then an incredibly important news update. Palace scene corgi alert! P: If there’s ever a way to get us to watch a show, there ya go. P: Uh..what is this?? Uhhh
D: Ok, ok. Phil, uh ya’ll got some explaining to do right here P: I don’t even know! I just said “Time to delete my Instagram.” D: Sponsored message! Choose one of these anime boys wearing towels. P: I don’t know what I was looking at. *reading texts* D: Ok, I am intrigued by this.
P: LOL, what is this. P: I’ve got it on my laptop.
D: What the hell are we talking about D: Ahowlnation, okay. Here we go.
P: Oh, I love it already. D: This is the content I subscribe to. P: This is very mesmerizing *video of dogs barking to Sail by AWOLNATION plays, D & P laughing* P: I love it! That is you, that is totally you
D: Oh, rest in peace Gabe. Oh my god THAT is the most me- that is me on a daily basis just like P: Check out “rapid liquid” if you want to see more of those. D: So this is peak Dan and Phil right here
P: this like encapsulates us
D: no apologies P: I’m at home, Dan’s on the way home
D: So, Phil is at home, I’m away , I’m on my way back to Phil, and this is what happens. D: “radical conceptussy”. No reply. *reading texts aloud* D: NOo. (Reset). *reading texts aloud* D: DOMINOOOOS *air horn sound*
P: yeeeeet Both: Yeeeeeeet P: I was very excited by that. And you just sent a rat. That’s you
D: exactly. That is Dan and Phil texting each other. P: EUgh. ..These aren’t in any particular order by the way
D: I frickin scarred myself. Alright okay right so D: We have a show, it has a…
P: You’re gonna get your leg out?
D: – I’m gonna get my leg out. P: Demonetized. Right
D: For the lads. D: We have a show, it has a set, it’s really cool you should come see it danandphiltour.com
P: It does. Look at the corners of the set D: Anyway, I ran into a bench once and I, carved, a chunk out of my leg, and it’s left a scar, look at that!
P: Ooh, It’s like a physical dent. P: It like goes into your leg. You can never be a leg model now
*sad music plays* *reading texts aloud* P: I went into a hotel room and it was ACTUALLY flooded, like the bathroom was this much, it was THIS much water!
D: I didn’t believe him. D: I think he was lying to get an upgrade
P: I wasn’t!
D: It’s kay sure fine *reading texts aloud* P: Then I sent this picture, which I put on Twitter
D: Ohhh my god. P: This was the smallest hotel room window
D: This was the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen P (in video): Are you ready for the tiniest hotel room window in the world…look at this! D (reading his texts): WOT. The F***. *reading texts aloud* P: I still don’t know what that was for. It was like *this big*. D: At what point when they were like interior designing
P: like BUILDING the hotel D: or “architecting the building” did they think, “oh yeah..tiny square window.”
P: It’s a window for mice! D: With its own shutter!
**mind blown** *reading texts aloud* D: It’s true, either I’m like nose deaf ’cause I don’t smell anything or Phil is like..hyper-nose-driac where he has phantom smells
P: nose deaf? I think I’m a hyper nose. D: Although, the other day in this very tour bus, you thought you detected some fumes, do you wanna tell that story?
P: Yeah D: First day in the tour bus.
P: I thought I could detect the smell of petrol. First day in the tour bus I was kind of like, getting used to my bunk, I was lying there with a pillow D: This is prolly a text, Phil was like, “do you smell…burning…or like..gas?”
P: Oh yeah, it was, I said “do you smell petrol fumes” D: And I was like, “no, I don’t smell gas, like is the engine leaking, is this bus about to explode ’cause Phil can smell petrol?
P: yeah P: And then I realized, for the last hour and a half I’d been leaning against the light which had been MELTING into my PILLOW, I’ll show you the light now P (in video): Here’s my bunk, and the melted light is here, which still kind of smells of really gross plastic. P: It was a closed bunk with literal plastic fumes.
D: He was inhaling melting plastic for two hours and nearly set on fire and that was our first day in the bus. D: Looking around at all the things that could kill us here, nope we are not gonna make it ’till the end of America.
P: That can NOT be good for you. P: nope. *reading texts aloud* D: Too soon. Skull face, represents-
P: Dan’s mouse, didn’t feel so good.. D: N- OKAY, dive out this bus right now.
P: LOL at this *reading texts aloud* P: That was beautiful
D: That was the best morning of my entir- a dramatic reading of the best granola parfait I’ve ever had
P: Ooh my god P: Ooh we got another video
D: Another dog video, okay are you ready for this lads
P: I’ve said “You need to watch this with sound” *train horn blares outside*
P: There’s a train about to hit our tour bus, oh my gosh
D: Can ya not- Oh god, did we park on a train track? D: OH NO, no this..oh god.
P: Oh it’s this one! This is so funny! D: You thought you’d seen every version of this, here we go, how will (haha howell) this dog react to the owner disappearing behind a towel?
P: Yeah, just wait D: Here we go 3, 2, 1 oh he’s sad, he’s sad.
P: Aw he’s gone, what’s happened? D: Oh he’s tucking it over him, what’s he doi- *gasp* OHGOD. OH GOD NO. OH CHRIST. OH SWEET JESUS TIMMY. P: My gosh
D: I think the dog was.. kinda hot for the tiger, I don’t think the dog was looking at the owner.
P: I think so. P: I was watching this in my bunk at like 2 in the morning and I was cry-laughing and trying not to be loud
D: I think everyone was like, “who’s making weird snorting noises D: Phil in his bunk, laughing at that monstrosity.
P: It was me. *reading texts aloud* P: Don’t mess with Dan and his food. D: “how is the seed I put out on Friday already finished?” I asked Phil, how could it be possible? How could the seed be gone already?
P: Yeah. How, there was so much seed! *womp sound*
D: WOW. That is a **THICC** pigeon.
P: It’s literally eaten all of the seed. D: That ONE little pidgey boy, snarfed the whole damn bath. P: Dan after eating too much pizza.
D: *poooo* *reading texts aloud* P: Oh this was in an airport P: “He was German” – I don’t know why that’s relevant
D: Well you know, he was German so I didn’t wanna ask if he was okay *reading texts aloud* D: WOT the hell is goin’ on here?
P: Wait what, what is this? *reading texts* D: Did we tweet this?? I th- oh my god okay
P: I don’t know. Should we just leave that without context?
D: Nnnh P: That was when we did yoga that one time. Our friend is a yoga teacher and they’d wanted to test it out on us.
D: RIIIGHT. Okay. Mother of god that’s- thank you, okay. P: This is Dan in a text conversation.
D: Truly. *reading texts* D: *Bursts out laughing*
P: That was me having anxiety that I wouldn’t want to speak to the delivery guy. D: Like okay, if this guy comes and he’s like “who’s the weirdo that ordered 8 different kinds of mayo”, Phil doesn’t wanna be that guy.
P: Yeah. Nope. D: Judge me, I don’t care, life is having a carb and dippin’ it in 12 different *dips*. *Fight. me.*
P: Oh my gosh P (in video): I think there’s something Dan needs, and it is.. mooore dips. You just need you some more dips.
D (in video): Don’t dip shame me. *children yaaay-ing sound*
P: So there you go that was our little insight into our text messages D: That is the reality of our friendship, I don’t know what you expected but that’s it, 90% food or awkward moments that we have to share with each other
P: It is, I know P: Obviously, there’s a lot more I could show you so if you enjoyed this give us a thumbs up, we might do it again.
D: Yes, could do mor- oh god a comp, don’t know if I’d make it through that. D: Okay, sure.
P: I could go into the old phones, see what’s on them (YESPLEASEDOIT THANKS) D: Hopefully Phil won’t inhale any toxic fumes or die on this tour bus, I think you’re all going to be scared for him after this
P: Yep P: And if I don’t, you can come see me on stage, with Dan
D: Yes, like I said, still in America, gonna tour these places D: You can come see us for a few dollars, get uh – enter a competition to come to the meet and greet,
P: Hang out with us, *AMERICA* D: And then we’re going to Australia, New Zealand, Hong Kong, Mumbai, Manila in the Philippines
P: Singapore! D: If you want to come see us in real life before we all diiiee
D: *snaps* NNH. P: We’re in the endscreen now. If you wanna check out the tour click on this empty space over here
D: Are we? Yes, that lovely little thing up there in the corner P: Dan’s channel, check out my channel, subscribe to me, hope you’re having a good day, gooooodbye (:
D: Boom. I hope life is nice, see you later bye